Ask Deadpool #3

The fatest growing advice column in the universe returns less than 24 hours since the last! Take that Dear Abby. I'm like Pizza hut to Abby's Little Ceaser's. Much better service. Anyway got a date this Friday. Oh yeah, the Wademyster has still got it. Let's start with the first letter from everyone's favorite bald man(after Brian Bendis):

Wade, there is a problem that I find rather distressing. It's all these people going on and on about global warming. It's making me feel very anxious. I wish people would stop talking about it. Can you help?
- Charles X.

Professor the answer is so simple you're going to be hitting yourself on the head.You mindwipe Al Gore's mind. If he's not talking about it no one will think about it or care. If that doesn't work take it one step further and enlist the help of Emma Frost and the other telepaths on your team for a massive mindwipe of the earth.

If you're really don't feel like doing that you could always move abroad to Oa or the Kree home planet. I know you're unwelcomed currently in Shi'ar space.

Next up we have a very scary person who'd likely do anything to piss everyone off:

Okay I'll play. Why do you suck?

-Mike Warner

You're mean. What are you even from? I mean everyone knows me, Ryan Reynolds even said he wanted to play me. Okay so Karl is telling me your from some webcomic called Shortpacked!. That's kind of cute I guess, if you're into titles that can't even get published from Antartic Press. Come back when you have a trade out.

Finally this comes from a mystery sender:

Dear Deadpool,

I currently made a big mistake by making out with an ex of mine. I was really drunk at the time, but he has a annoying messiah complex. It was never about us when we were together. It was always about "saving the world." Should I leave him again before things get too serious?

Sincerely,
Panda-Girl

This sounds oddly like one of my ex-best friends, who's a jerk. I say dump him, unless he's drinking. Just be gentle. And don't give him the standard its not you, its me bs. Be creative say that you've discovered you like girls and you met a hot chick named umm...let's say Barbra....Bush! And that the only reason you're with him is because he looks oddly like her. Now I have a hunch I know the person you're talking about, but I won't reveal his identity out of respect and to see if anyone can guess who he is!

Next time I give my opinion on who's blog is hot and who's is not. I'll also try to breka my record of answering three letters(that is if I get more).

Stay sharp True Skeptics!

Ask Deadpool #2

Out letter today comes from a hot amazon with some problems with deadbeat men(Note I took the liberty to edit to fit our space and other reasons):

Dear Handsome Deadpool,

Ever since I murdered Max Lord to save Superman none of my teammates trust me. Batman refuses to acknowledge me as trustworthy and spends more and more time alone with his butler, worst of all Superman has even debunked me of being a superhero. To make things worse it turns out Max had planned the entire thing, for me to murder him and record it then broadcast it world wide. So now not only does the entire superhero community now see me as nothing but scum, but so does the public. The point of this is what do you think I should do?On a second note both Iron Man and Captain America have been showing farrrr to much interest in me. What do I do about them?
Love,
Wonder Woman.

First of all didin't you read Crisis? According to that he didn't plan on getting killed it was Carrot Top or something. And having worked with Carrot Top on my TV show he's really annoying and likely to do that to a hot babe, because frankly he's an asshole. Screw Superman his movie sucked. Screw Batman he hangs out with little kids in a cave. Screw Iron Man and Cap, they're both losers who can barely support their own comic book or blog. Plus Plus who do you think inspired Bats to get Robin? It was Cap with Bucky. Cap is also an outlaw and a commie terrorist who is trying to undermine the President. And Iron Man's a drunk, he constantly throws up inside his armor. That's why I refuse to team up with him.

This is what you do. You go out with me, that'll help your PR. In exchange for several dinners with me (at least 29) I kill Batman and Superman. Now you're the leader of the Justice League. Than I blackmail Cap and Stark. Next we hire my lawyer She-Hulk, who's great. She'll get you out of this mess. She'll either claim its self defense or a doctored video. If we manage to convince people its doctored I claim I actually killed Lord because he wouldn't register and was posing a threat to umm...Davenport, Iowa. Yeah that's good. Than we get hitched and live happily ever after then end.

Ask Deadpool #1

Welcome to my new letter column where I answer the reader's problems! To send in letters asking for my advice we'll have a service set up soon and so you can get it in under an alias. I know how much those anti-registration pinko terrorist "I'm with cap" heroes like to keep their identity secret. Anyway on to my first letter:

Dear Deadpool,
I have a crush on one of my teammates, but I do not think he notices my subtle hints at all. He seems more interested in a dead red-head then me/ He even doesn't notice that the person who I'm currently dating I can't have sex with and is only a farse. He also doesn't take notice of the fake French accent I put on. You see when I first met him I had some French imported cologne on and he mistook me for from being from Lousiana so I had to act like that. I really don't know how to get him to notice me.
Kisses,
Yearin' for Wolvie.

Well your first problem is that I can easily guess who you are. You're an idiot. Also just come out of the closet everyone knows you've been hankerin for Logan since you became a horseman of War just to say you had something in common with him other than being the same gender. And yes for those of you who hadn't guessed the writer is Gambit. He's a tosser. Join us next time . And any of you wishing to send your letters by snail mail adress them to Karl Rove 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington D.C.,U.S.A. He's my personal letterer screener.

THE FINALE OF THE 1,000,000 Dangerous Bald Cripples

The Xavier who could walk jumped me from behind. I kicked him in the nads but he wasn't heart.

"I'm a lady!"

Man if that's true that was one ugly lady. I fought them all to the death until there was one left. Smurf Xavier.

"My smurf-men will be here soon. They'll smurf you with their smurf powers. SMURF SMURF SMURF!"

I charged at him screaming, " THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR PUTTING GARGNETO THROUGH ALL THAT MISEARY!"

He was able to start controlling my mind. Apparently this hadn't occured to the other Xaviers I had killed. He was making me strip. He claimed it was to get my weapons off me, but personally I think he's perv. Unfortuanetly for him I was close enough to gulp him down. You see I had wondered why Gargamel always wanted to eat a smurf. They actually taste like hair. Dog hair to be exact. I was very disappointed. I was expecting it to taste like sherbert ice cream.

With the alternate Xaviers gone I confronted Bruce Timm their creator (also creator the animated DC Universe). "TIMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!! Why did you bring the other Xaviers to this universe?"

"What the hell are you talking about you psycho? You're crazy. I'm going away now."

And that's how I saved Prince Harry.

THE END

NEXT TIME: Deadpool starts a new feature by answering letters of his readers and offers helpful advice. As well as his opinion on topics ranging from how to break up with your girlfriend and smokers.

BRAND NEW BEGINNING!

Okay so I've been gone for a month because I went on a drug binge and converted to Scientology. All Hail XENU!

For those who don't know I'm a merc and I have a mouth of sorts. Anyways one of my councilers at the Betty Ford clinic is Bruce Timm, animator of Batman the Animated Series and others. Anyway he's a creep. He stole my cocaine!!!!! What an arsehole.

I went to his office to get them back and I saw someone sitting in the shadows. So before they could get up I kicked them in the nads.

"I'm afraid that won't work Monsieur Deadpool."

From the shadows came my middle of the road student Professor Charles Xavier!

"Whats with the french accent Chuck?"

"Waz iz this accent yu tawlk aboot?"

"He's the French-Candaian version of me from the 666 universe. "

Another Professor X appeared out of the shadows! This one dressed in a pink skirt and scarf.

"I'm fabuolous Profesosr Xavier Wadesy. From earth 123. And I'd like you to meet some of my friends."

As he opened the closet door it was stuffed with various Xavier's. Yellow Xavier, Bunny Xavier, Xavier with Hair, Xavier with normal eyebrows, Xavier without teeth, Devil Xavier, Flavor Xavier, King Xavier, Puppet Xavier, and hundreds more! I was boned...

To be continued!