Oh Snap!

I kicked that whore J'onn out of my apartment. I don't need no stikin' martian traitor. He's a traitor. Anyway over the past couple days I noticed I was being followed. I thought it might be Bob or Daniel Way trying to study to me.

So last night I'm coming home from the first annual Betty White convention (it was okay, not as good as Bea's). So my key gets stuck, when suddenly someone jumps on my back and starts attacking me.

"Perpare to die Deadpool!"

It was Snap! From Kelloggs Rice Kripies! (Am I miss an apostrope)

So I was all like no you didn't bitch! You aint stealing my trix you *!@#$%#%^$#%!

So I stabbed him and traded him to Mister Sinister for something called a "Cy-Kill." I have no idea what that is, but I'm excited!

Blog News

Just in case some of you didn't hear the news I've started a new blog with J'onn. We'll take turns posting. Should be updated 5 days almost every week. Link:
http://deadpoolandjonn.blogspot.com/

90th Post! Swoosh!

So its time for another addition of Deadpool's Answers. I start at Logo next week. Freedom Ring wanted to meet today for dinner, let's hope she has flowing hair like Betty White.

Here we go:

Dear deadpool,

What the hell?!

-Scrooge McDuck

What the hell indeed. I have no idea what you're refering to, but I'm filing a restraint order.

Dear Deadpool,

I can never open pickle jars. What should I do?

-Master Chief

Well I don't care about your problems, Mr. I have a movie in developmental hell with Peter Jackson. I only have a movie in developmental hell because Avi Arad's kid likes me and Ryan Reynolds wants to play me, but play Flash more. For Criss sakes.

Dear Deadpool,

I'm emo and want to cut myself. I'm making out with my dead best friend's girlfriend and my dad and ex-girlfriend are dead.

I hate you,
Tim Drake.

*Cries* I have similar problems. I've been charged with sexual harrassment by my dead best friend's girlfriend. Except I'm not Emo like you!

Dear Deadpool,

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me, with himself. You see he's a shapeshifter. What should I do?

-Wic...Asg...Bill

Well Bill I'd suggest you hire me for the cheap rate of $800 a minute to catch your boyfriend. I can kill him for another 1,000,000.

Till next time this is Deadpool. Excelsior!

I'm Back!

Hey all,

You may wonder why I haven't posted in over a month. Well I'm me from the day after my last blog post. Kang sent me to the future. Anyway I have exciting news.

Apparently my future self was in negotiations with Logo TV for a new show. I have no idea what the show or channel is, but once I saw the contract I signed! Some people will say, Wade, why didn't you read the contract? Well its because I need to spread myself across the world. I'm a whore like that. My co-host will be some person named Freedom Ring. I have no idea who this is, but lets hope she looks like Bea or at the very least Sarah Jesse Raphael.

What will my show be? A sitcom, one of those dramadies I hear so much about, a game show, or another one of those talk shows since I have prior experience.

In other news:
-my future self was Paris Hilton's prison mate.
-My future self was thrown out of the Transformers Movie for describing how I'd make love to Michael Bay.
-My Apartment is vacaant other than Bob and Weasel . What happened to Ed and those Moonthingys?
- I have a girl friend named Jessica. I have no idea what she looks like.

To Imus or not to Imus?

After a month of tracking Bo Outlaw and I finally caught up with Imus's trail yesterday.

"Deadpool my man, we have to have a..."

I couldn't hear Bo, and I honestly didn't care. I was too busy storming into the bar to get rid of Imus. I wanted to return home to my Bea Arthur porn stash. I saw him at the barstool covering his face with his cowboy hat.

"The jigg is up Imus, your days are numbered!" I trimuphintently shouted.

"Well, well if it isn't my old arch nemis..nemisi...nemy...foe Deadpool!"

"We've never met before."

"Oh but I'm not Don Imus, I'm Kevin Federline!"

"And this time Deadpool, I'm not alone. Met my parthner in crime Kang."

"I already bet that purple face doffus, with Bo's help I'll easily kick both your kesters.

Kang got up from his stool and pressed a button on his glove, "But this time you chattery assasian we have more than just the two of us."

"This time? What do you mean this time?"

"Don't you recall last time? Oh wait, time travel confuses me so much, anyway all of your enemies have joined forces to take you down, The Rhino, Bruce Timm, The Olson Twins, The Swan, and Ben Savage! HAHAHA"

"Wait what did I do to Ben Savage?"

"You know what you did you bastard! If it hadn't been for you I would've had a primetime Emmy and be critically acclaimed! Not Matthew Fox!"

I had no idea what he was talking about. The odds were not looking good for me. So I charged, wondering if my stash of Bea photos was untampered with at home.

To be continued...

Ask Deadpool 5

New installment of Deadpool's answers. First from Kid Flash:

I have a question Wade, it seems since my return to the Titans I've been replaced. Kon's gone and reconciled with Timmy and befriended Hot Stuff (at the same time what kind of name is that???). Tim, well he's only ever been friends with Kon, and Cassandra- but he went and made out with her.I wouldn't want to make out with Tim, considering his history with Bats and Nightwing.So how do I get my teammates to actually see me as a friend other than a hyper-active seventeen year old in spandex??????

What the hell you're supposed to be Flash now. Go into the future and join the Legion, they have a ton of major babeage.

Two Q's from Senior Xavier

First of all, since my chair has a hover mode, going over some stairs is not going to be all that entertaining.Second, I only date really, really hot women. I am a super-hero after all.That and I can dominate anyone's mind. I wonder what Jessica Alba is doing right now?

You're not a superhero. Nightcrawler's a superhero/priest. You're a teacher. You claiming you're a superhero is like claiming Jeff Van Gundy is a basketball player. He's a good coach, like you.

So does Wolverine's DNA make you gassy? Logan's is constantly letting them rip around the school

No, I make my own gasses :D

Is it true Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds by the Beatles is really about LSD?
-Bill Parcells

No, it's about Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

Did Brady Quinn fall to far?
-Batman

No, He's like the Iceman of football. He's serviceable but there's better stuff out there. Also what happened with the Fantasitc Mutant Compeition, I don't recall?

When does your rumored movie coming out?
-Jesus

Its unfortuanetly in a legal snafu. Like Miracleman, but 1000000000x greater.

According to Henchy AIM offers dental and a union, but according to Bob he joined Hydra because AIM doesn't offer dental or allow unions. Who's telling the truth here?
-Bender R.

Well Bender my man, I'm afraid Bob's right. AIM's dental program is a fraud that they only give to a few select members. They make the rest the ones who are given it that they all get dental. But in reality those policies don't cover squat. They're all to busy to see the dentist, nad only 2% of AIM members according to U.S.A. Today gallup poll have kids and/or a wife. Plus they never have to pay. The ones that get their teeth knocked out(the only part of the dental plan is to cover false and replacement teeth) are always arrested.

And knowing is 2/3 the battle.

I was mislead...

So I start off my day in a good mood. That soon changed.

I was shocked to find that hottie-hot Outlaw wouldn't be joining us. Apparently that copy cat, wannabe Agent X said Bo Outlaw, the basketball player would be going with us. Really my fault for not being able to distinguish between his chewing sounds and his talking. But just to let you see what I'm missing out on:

See? A hawt cowgirl that likes shooting things!

And here's what I'm stuck with now:

Now I'm not saying Bo won't be helpful, but come on, who would you rather work with? So our mission is to go terminate Don Imus. Apparently he broke some old-man guild rule. Hell if I care. Shouldn't be too hard he's a 500 year old cowboy. What's the worst he can do. Call me a bald headed man-whore? (Which I wouldn't disagree with).

Also got this letter:

I have an odd sense of deja vu. Oh well, its hunting time!

I am the Walrus!-Now with pictures!

I awoke last night on Providence without my pants again. What the hell? Why does this keep happening? I guess its hard for teh w0men to keep their hands of hawt ole' me. :D

Anyway I remember doing the Fantastic Mutant Competition, but then everything's a blur. Oh well, at least I don't have to hear Bill complain about Hilary anymore (*cough* foreshadowing *cough*). So I left Providence quickly because Cable is no longer my BFF, that title goes to Bob Agent of Hydra! I had to settle for him since I can't find Eduardo, Weas was captured by Hydra, and the Moonities were arrested for giving Boston the finger or something.

So as all of you know from following my comic book I'm currently under the employ of Agencey X since Agent X has become a fat lard. So in between stuffing his face with pringles sandwitches, he tells me that I have a new mission. Take out Don Imus. Not only do I get to take Bob, but I get to take Outlaw, and then ditch him so I can make the moves on Outlaw!

Yippie my life is great!

Day 1

After much dealy due to censorship (apparently its against network standards to show Bill Clinton in the buff(what network?)). Anyway now back to the first challenge of the Fantastic Mutant Competition! Which is pro-mutie, unlike that anti-homo superior Xavier. Hehe homo....

Dr. Doom: Come Clinton, we must humilate Richards.

Bill Clinton: Hey Doomy buddy, how about we skip this and go to a Hooters!

Dr. Doom: It is more important to defeat Richards!

Clinton: Okay, don't get your panties in a bunch. Here why don't I put this Hilary '08 pin on your shall there.

Doom: Doom does not wear shalls, it is a cape! And Doom is supporting Obhama in '08.

Clinton: Obhama? Why you tra...Wait if you support Obhama then Hilary will win and I can chase after all the girls I want!

Doom: DOOM DOESN'T CARE!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elsewhere we catch up with what Batman and H.E.R.B.I.E. are up to.

Batman: These chimichanga wrappers were clearly left by Deadpool, if we follow them we should be able to figure out what our first task is.

H.E.R.B.I.E.: I love you.

Batman: I'm the Goddamn Batman. *throws batarang into H.E.R.B.I.E.

H.E.R.B.I.E.: :(

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Until H.E.R.B.I.E.'s fixed here's coverage of Black Panther and Jessica Alba.

Black Panther: So you wanna ditch this and get drink?

Jessica Alba: Aren't you married?

Black Panther: Um....no.

Jessica Alba: Okay!
-----------------------------------------------
Can everyone say DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVORRCE? But who can blame the fella, plus as shown in my earlier posts Storms a cheating slut! Let's see what Charlotte and She-Hulk are up to.

She-Hulk: Charlotte , I think I found the card with the next task. Defeat a Cylon and then trade its head for a taco. What the hell that's possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Don't you think so Charlotte? Charlotte?

*lifts foot up and looks at shoe*

She-Hulk: Omigosh!
--------------------

Next time we check in with the other four teams! KABOOM!

Fantastic Mutant Competition Day 1

Earlier this morning we held the first meeting Here's the transcript:
DeadpoolToday is the day one of the greatest challenge in the Multiverse-The Fantastic Mutant Competition!

Now I know it isn't easy being a mutant, like it isn't being green. As I have personal experience of being both.

Mr.Fantastic: Wilson, you realize none of us are mu-

Deadpool: Dr. Richards have you met Jessica Alba yet? She had to replace Wesely after he dropped out.

Mr. Fantastic: Why no, I didn't. Its a pleasure Ms. Alba *kissing Alba's hand.*

Invisible Woman: REED!

Mr. Fantastic: (whispering) You'll have to excuse the wife Ms. Alba, its her time of month.

*Mr.Fantastic KOed by wife*

Deadpool: Okay moving on...your first challenge...

Galactus: I'M HUNGRY!!!!!! AND I CAN'T HEAR YOU. SPEAK UP!
Deadpool: Please Galactus use your indoor voice.

Galactus: I'M USING MY INDOOR VOICE. MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TO USE MANNERS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Eduardo: Senior Galactus, if you are hungry I have mucho potatoes.

Deadpool: EVERYONE SHUT UP! So I can tell you your first task. Anyway, as you all can tell you've been taken to somewhere you don't know. Figure it out and find me for your next task, and all those taks cards or whatever. Go!

Dr.Doom: Doom won't stand for this. Doom is above this.

*Mr. Fantastic gets up and starts running*

Deadpool:Dr. Richards is winning...

Dr. Doom: DOOM SHALL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN! COME BILL!

Stapler's Ghost: Wait I have a question, everyone else has someone releated to the Fantastic Four. How come I got stuck with Ghost Rider?

Ghost Rider: Shouldn't I be asking why I got stuck with you? I have a freakin movie. You're the Martian Manhunter's archnemesis who's only been in a blog!

Deadpool: Hey! I'm the only one allowed to break the fourth wall. And you're with Ghost Rider there because he was with the Fantastic Four, along with Wolverine and some other 90s rejects.